Tuesday, October 23, 2012


There are a few things that I believe with all my heart to be true.  1) Everything happens for a reason. 2)  Patience is the key to getting through trials.

Well right now, I am definitely experiencing a test of my patience, and I continue to pray that I will make it through with my sanity in tact.  If you have been reading my blog for awhile you know that my knee-cap has been out of place since the end of June (if you haven't been reading, well..now ya know!)   I didn't understand why my knee had to go all crazy on me, but I knew there had to be a reason to it.  5 months later, I'm still not sure what that reason is, but by golly it's gotta be a good one! The whole having to be patient and what not is driving me bonkers.

I endured the pain for 2 months, thinking that there was nothing wrong.  In mid-August I went to a different doctor to see if he could see anything wrong, because I knew it wasn't getting better.  That is when we discovered a slight patella maltracking, which is essentially an out of place knee cap.  I went a month wearing a knee brace and putting off physical therapy as long as I could.  Finally I gave in and started going to physical therapy.  Every time I went and I worked with a different therapist I felt like I was being given a different diagnosis.  Essentially, I was more confused than anything on what was going on, and I still am. I was given a list of exercises to do both there, and at home, that would strengthen my knee.  So every week, either twice or three times, I attend physical therapy for an hour and a half to two hours.  I do the same thing every time I go.  Heat pack for 10 minutes, ultra-sound for 8 minutes, bike for 10 minutes, total weight gym for 4 minutes, resistant band, heel touches, kicks, clam shells, bridges, blah blah blah. Nothing changes.  Not even the people that work with me change.  It has become a bit monotonous to go to physical therapy.  I normally leave with a glimmer of hope, and a smile on my face.

Yesterday however, was a different story.
After I had finished all of my exercises the therapist came over to stretch me and see if I had made any progress. Then... he said the seven words that I dread hearing, and am oh so tired of hearing "It is just going to take time."  I was on the brink of tears when he told me that.  I'm ready to be completely healed.  I know it isn't going to be a super fast recovery, but my poor brain and heart just aren't working together on this one.  I want to be able to walk normal, without a limp.  I want to be able to walk down stairs normal and not half leap down them.  I want to be able to do things with friends and not be scared that I might hurt my knee, or make it worse.  These past 5 months have been some of the longest months of my life.  I walked out of physical therapy yesterday and held back the tears.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, and I wanted to run.  Run far away from everything.  Run from the pain.    I woke up this morning in more pain than I have been in for quite some time.  I wanted to stay curled up in bed for the entire day and not face the world.  Well... that didn't happen.  I got up and went to school.  Before I left the house for the bus my mom said, "I'm afraid you're going to have to take the surgery route." Another phrase I didn't want to hear.  I got to school.  The walk down the stairs from the bus was miserable, the walk up the stairs to institute was even more miserable.  I ended up throwing in the towel for the day after institute and came home.  I know I need to be patient and eventually I will back to par, but I'm getting tired of the waiting game.......

I should be happy with the progress I have made.  The brace is gone.  My knee bends past 70 degrees. Those are big accomplishments.  I just need to remember the good.

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