Well right now, I am definitely experiencing a test of my patience, and I continue to pray that I will make it through with my sanity in tact. If you have been reading my blog for awhile you know that my knee-cap has been out of place since the end of June (if you haven't been reading, well..now ya know!) I didn't understand why my knee had to go all crazy on me, but I knew there had to be a reason to it. 5 months later, I'm still not sure what that reason is, but by golly it's gotta be a good one! The whole having to be patient and what not is driving me bonkers.
I endured the pain for 2 months, thinking that there was nothing wrong. In mid-August I went to a different doctor to see if he could see anything wrong, because I knew it wasn't getting better. That is when we discovered a slight patella maltracking, which is essentially an out of place knee cap. I went a month wearing a knee brace and putting off physical therapy as long as I could. Finally I gave in and started going to physical therapy. Every time I went and I worked with a different therapist I felt like I was being given a different diagnosis. Essentially, I was more confused than anything on what was going on, and I still am. I was given a list of exercises to do both there, and at home, that would strengthen my knee. So every week, either twice or three times, I attend physical therapy for an hour and a half to two hours. I do the same thing every time I go. Heat pack for 10 minutes, ultra-sound for 8 minutes, bike for 10 minutes, total weight gym for 4 minutes, resistant band, heel touches, kicks, clam shells, bridges, blah blah blah. Nothing changes. Not even the people that work with me change. It has become a bit monotonous to go to physical therapy. I normally leave with a glimmer of hope, and a smile on my face.
Yesterday however, was a different story.
After I had finished all of my exercises the therapist came over to stretch me and see if I had made any progress. Then... he said the seven words that I dread hearing, and am oh so tired of hearing "It is just going to take time." I was on the brink of tears when he told me that. I'm ready to be completely healed. I know it isn't going to be a super fast recovery, but my poor brain and heart just aren't working together on this one. I want to be able to walk normal, without a limp. I want to be able to walk down stairs normal and not half leap down them. I want to be able to do things with friends and not be scared that I might hurt my knee, or make it worse. These past 5 months have been some of the longest months of my life. I walked out of physical therapy yesterday and held back the tears. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, and I wanted to run. Run far away from everything. Run from the pain. I woke up this morning in more pain than I have been in for quite some time. I wanted to stay curled up in bed for the entire day and not face the world. Well... that didn't happen. I got up and went to school. Before I left the house for the bus my mom said, "I'm afraid you're going to have to take the surgery route." Another phrase I didn't want to hear. I got to school. The walk down the stairs from the bus was miserable, the walk up the stairs to institute was even more miserable. I ended up throwing in the towel for the day after institute and came home. I know I need to be patient and eventually I will back to par, but I'm getting tired of the waiting game.......
|I should be happy with the progress I have made. The brace is gone. My knee bends past 70 degrees. Those are big accomplishments. I just need to remember the good.|