Friday, January 24, 2014


"Look at me 
You may think you see 
Who I really am 
But you'll never know me 
Every day 
It's as if I play a part 
Now I see 
If I wear a mask 
I can fool the world 
But I cannot fool my heart 

Who is that girl I see 
Staring straight back at me? 
When will my reflection show 
Who I am inside?"

If you know Disney movies, you know those are lyrics from the movie Mulan.
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days, a lot of life contemplations and such.  I've been talking to my old roommate Courtney about the crazy things we did at Snow.
Before I went to Snow, I was shy, closed off, a definite follower, I didn't like the person I was because I knew there was a lot more to me inside.
Before I went to Snow I made a a goal with myself.  I told myself that I was going to change,
I was going to find that person inside that I knew I wanted to be. 
And I did. I found myself and I allowed myself to be that self, I didn't hide.  I can honestly say that I was the happiest I've ever been that first semester at Snow.

I moved home with the intentions of keeping my new found self alive.
Unfortunately, my new found self didn't thrive and I went back to my old self.  There were glimpses of that new self that I loved so much.  But they didn't stay for long, and it was only with certain people that I saw those glimpses.

With this new year, and new resolution part of being brave was allowing that part of me to be the only me.  So far, it's been hard. 

Last night I was at book club with some friends that I've made through church
(and I know some of them will read this, so just know, this is nothing against you!)
I love the people in this book club, and I'm so glad that we are still able to get together at least once a month even though the wards have changed and some have moved away.  But it was because of them that I realized how far hidden that self I want to be is.  After we discussed the book we had just read, the conversation took a turn to planning a trip.
A trip to Disneyland.  The girl that I've buried inside of me would have jumped at the opportunity.  The girl that I've allowed myself to become, yet again, isn't so much jumping as she is carefully stepping.  I know in my heart, that it would be fun and I also know that if I make the decision not to go I will regret it.  This closed off, reserved, personality has me questioning myself.  
That is the hardest part, because I'm having a fight with myself. A fight between not being afraid of what others think and to just being myself and hiding the self that I know I want to be because the person I am feels safer at this point in time.

So, there ya have it.
I know who I want to become
and I'm tired of not allowing myself to become that person again.
It's not going to be the easiest thing,
but it'll be worth it.

1 comment:

  1. Jana, I REALLY needed to hear this! I feel like I keep taking a HALF of a step forward and then two steps back. It's been rough. But I just need to be myself instead of hiding, JUST like you said. Why haven't we hung out yet? This is not good.