{prince charming}

Today, I was sitting at my Grandma's house and I was scrolling through Facebook when I came across a post that my friend, Courtney, had shared.  I read it, I fought back shouting for joy, followed by fighting back tears of appreciation, so folks... go here, read the blog post, and then come back here.
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Did you read it?

Good!

Now, lets have a chat, shall we.

I was much the same as the girl who wrote the above blog post when I was in young women's.  Quite often "My List of Attributes I'm Looking For In  A Future Husband" looked a lot like this...

Every. Single. Time.

Not much changed during those six years in young women's.  My list stayed very much the same, and my list is still very much the same.  Although, I don't have "marry a returned missionary" high on my list, if at all, anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with marrying a returned missionary.  I just know that it isn't everything.   Sometime between graduating high school, moving to Snow College, and then moving home and starting school at UVU my perspective on the subject changed.  I can't tell you when it changed, why it changed, the how it changed, is a little easier to discuss.  

I had a friend in high school who to be honest, I did not think would serve a mission.  Not that he was a bad kid, but I just never pictured him serving a mission.  Graduation came and went, I moved, we still kept in contact.  It was a few months after I had been at Snow that I heard from my friend, he texted me to tell me he was going on a mission.  I could not have been more excited for him.  I drove up from Ephraim to go to his homecoming, and was all ready to support him in his decision.  This was in the early part of January.  I think it was towards the end of January, I started to see things being posted on his Facebook, and I was really confused... "Isn't he supposed to be in the MTC?"  I texted him, not really thinking I'd get a response, because hello..he was supposed to be on his mission.  Surprisingly I go a response saying... "Um..yeah, I came home from the MTC, I'm not serving a mission."  When I asked him why he didn't tell me he was home, the response was hurtful, and an eye opener.  He said something like... "I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want you to be disappointed."  I responded with something along the lines of "I couldn't be disappointed in you, this was a personal choice." and then wittingly said "Well...I moved home from school early, so I guess we're in the same boat." (I thought at the time, people would think less of me for moving home.) We unfortunately, lost contact over the years, but I honestly believe this is why my perspective changed on wanting to marry a returned missionary.

I didn't think much of this topic until just a short time ago.  I was (okay, I still am) in the singles ward.  My friend Jill* was dating people left and right, I was just trying to make friends.  I became friends with a wonderful guy, Ben* he was a few years older than me, and hadn't been on a mission.  I didn't think a thing of it.  He was quite honestly the nicest person I had met in a long time, and I loved our friendship.  At one point Ben asked Jill on a date.  I talked to Jill after their date, and asked her how the date went.  Her response was shocking and I honestly could not believe what I was hearing.  She said, "Jana, the date was amazing.  Ben is seriously so great, I haven't been on such a good date in a while. I really like him.  But it can't go anywhere, he didn't serve a mission.  I'm only going to marry a returned missionary."  I don't even remember what I said, but I'm sure all I could have mustered up would have been... "um....okay..."  From that point on, she treated Ben completely differently, and was quite frankly a bit mean.  I was hurt, that my friend would act in such a way.  (Not that it matters whatsoever, but Ben just got back from serving a worthy, two year mission; people change!)

Just before the above experience, I had another experience that until today, I had forgotten about.  I was riding the bus home from UVU one day, and it must have been crowded because I was sitting next to a slightly older (than me) gentleman, whom I didn't know.  I remember I had been listening to my iPod, but this gentleman wanted someone to talk to so I took my headphones out, and had an incredible discussion.  I don't remember it all, but I remember he asked me if I was LDS and when I said yes he asked me a question, that once I answered, I knew I was changed.  The question this man posed was "Why, do you girls, only want to marry an RM?  What makes that SO special"  I thought about it, and this was what I came up with... from the moment we are old enough to understand what marriage is, we are told that we should marry a returned missionary.  We are drilled with the idea of the "Happily Ever After" mentality.  We want to marry our "Prince Charming" in our "Castle", we want the picture perfect Disney fairy tale life.  To us, Prince Charming, is a returned missionary.  In Young Women's we do write list's and list's of what we want our future husband to be like, and I think in some ways, we all write returned missionary on our lists because we don't want to be looked down on by the other girls.  I told the man sitting next to me on the bus, that I no longer felt that way.  Would marrying a returned missionary be nice?  Of course!  If I met someone, who I loved, and I knew they loved me, and I knew that they would take me to the temple, but he wasn't a returned missionary, would I let that change the way I felt?  Nope.  I saw what the pressure of serving a mission and returning home early did to people.  We talked the rest of the way home, and when we got off the bus the man thanked me for my opinions and was really grateful for that insight. (FYI, this man was LDS, and he was married)

I've had cousins come home early from their missions for various reasons, I've had friends get their calls and never leave, I've had a friend get their call; decline it only to send his papers back in a few years later and go out to serve a full time mission.  I've had family members and friends leave on their mission at a later time in life than most. I've seen people who I thought would make fantastic missionaries not serve a mission at all. 

We don't know everyone's circumstances.  Who are we to judge if they serve a mission or not.  In the end, it comes down to their character anyways.  A mission does not guarantee that they are going to be the picture perfect Prince Charming.  If they are worthy to go to the temple, if they love the Lord, if they love YOU, shouldn't that be what matters?  I'm grateful that "My List of Attributes I'm Looking For In A Future Husband" has been changed, and that because of that I too have been changed.

*Names have been changed...

** Please don't let this come across that I think Returned Missionaries aren't worth marrying, because I do.  I think missionaries and returned missionaries are wonderful, and they each should be treated that way.

*** UVU did a fantastic study this past year on the effects of returning home early from a mission it was wonderful and SO eye opening go here and here to read more about their research.