running

when things start to go awry and i get that sinking feeling in my heart that life is about to throw something at me that i don't want to deal with.  i do the one thing that i probably shouldn't do.  i run. no not run like a marathon, run like run away.  that sinking feeling hit me pretty strongly about three months ago.  i was at a church event with some friends, some things were said/done that caused me to reconsider things.  i wasn't happy, i was scared, and i wanted out.  so i ran. i ran from my friends, and from my ward.  after about two weeks of being gone i got a text from one friend saying "where have you been? i haven't seen you at church for awhile."  i said i had been going to a different ward with a friend and explained what was going on.  this friend told me "well...don't run for too long.  your real friends that care about you are here."  when she told me that, i had the urge to prove her wrong.  (i'm stubborn like that)  i went a good month or so before i heard from anyone in my ward.  i went practically three months before i heard from any of those friends who supposedly cared.  yesterday, when i was on my way to church (in the other ward) a car pulled up in my driveway.  i was already in my car so i though, i can really run now.  unfortunately the person in the car got out quicker than i could pull away.  it ended up being my friend, she said "hi. it's been awhile.  you should come back to our ward, especially for our thanksgiving dinner."  it didn't feel genuine. it didn't feel real.  i cried on my way to church that day, in part because of how i was feeling, and also because the song on the radio hit like a ton of bricks.  i felt at that point my point had been proven.  somewhere between things going awry and me running my friendships changed.  i was hurt, but at the same time a bit relieved.  i felt justified in my running.  though i had a great sense of...loneliness, unwantedness (yes i know thats not a real word), and everything in between.
the song that was playing on the radio at the time was "Refugees Among Us" by michael mcclain.  the lyrics are as follows..

There are refugees among us
That are not from foreign shores;
And the battles they are waging
Are from very private wars.
And there are no correspondents
Documenting all their grief,
But these refugees among us all
Are yearning for relief.

There are refugees among us.
They don't carry flags or signs.
They are standing right beside us
In the market check out lines;
And the war they've been fighting
It will not be televised,
But the story of their need for love
Is written in their eyes.

This is a call to arms,
To reach out and to hold
The evacuees from the dark.
This is a call to arms,
To lead anguished souls 
To safe harbors of the heart.

Can you see through their disguises?
Can you hear what words won't tell?
Some are losing faith in Heaven
'Cause their life's a living Hell.
Is there anyone to help those
Who have no where else to flee?
For the only arms protecting them
belong to you and me.

This is a call to arms,
To reach out and to hold
The evacuees from the dark.
This is a call to arms,
To lead anguished souls
To safe harbors of the heart.
Can you feel the pleas of the refugees
For safe harbors of the heart?

This is a call to arms,
To reach out and to hold
The evacuees from the dark.
This is a call to arms,
To lead anguished souls
To safe harbors of the heart.
Can you feel the pleas of the refugees
For safe harbors of the heart?

the first and fourth stanzas are the ones that hit me hardest.  it was like every feeling in my heart was being said in song.  i felt that i was left to face this on my own.  i was hurt because i didn't feel like anyone was going to show up and help me.  my ward does a great effort at getting inactive members or non members to come to church.  i've been waiting for an invitation, any invitation for three months, and that didn't come until i had reached that inactive status.  i know i'm not the most popular person in my ward, and i'm just fine with that.  but at what point does no one notice that a very active person is no longer there.  when is it okay that friends don't ask you how you're doing, or if you need anything.  i learned a very important lesson on that fifteen minute drive to church.  or now that i think about it, i learned two very important lessons on that drive.
1st: running doesn't do you any good.  i've spent the past three months waiting, longing, and hoping for someone to reach out to me. but i kept running, running, and running. really no one would have been able to catch me if they had tried.  running helped me to focus on the pain of the hurt, but that was it.  i spent three months hurting, and fighting the tears, because i was too stubborn to stop running.
2nd: sometimes those that are facing the hardest battles are the ones right in front of us.  i'm not saying that what i was facing was all that hard, in fact, in comparison to a lot of the world i was living a perfect life.  i didn't feel that way at all.  because i have felt that longing, hoping, and waiting feeling to have someone reach out and help me, i am hoping that i can be the person to reach out to someone else who is having those same feelings.  we focus so much on those that don't have the blessings of the gospel we forget that those who do have the gospel still struggle.  we need to keep our eyes opened to everyone around us, and if things seem a little...off or out of place we need to rescue them.