Monday, February 4, 2013


forgiveness is something i have always struggled with.
i know we're supposed to forgive everyone 
but at times, it is far easier to just hold onto that anger
and bitterness
then it is to forgive.

i had an experience in high school that was a real eye opener to a lesson on forgiveness.
i've pretty much had the same group of friends since 7th grade. 
i've gone back and forth, but really it was the same people.
when i was a sophomore i met one of my best friends
she was a junior.
i ended up doing a lot with her and her group of friends that year,
but even more my junior year (her senior)
by the time the end of junior year came around i had pretty much stopped hanging out with my friends from middle school and was spending all my time with my new friends
come senior year i was lost.
my new friends had graduated and i wasn't sure what to do.
so i tried to jump right back into my group of friends,
which was a lot tougher than i would have thought.
they treated me differently
i soon became an after thought and the invites to hang out with them started to grow further and few in between.
i understood they hadn't been happy with me for spending so much time with my other friends
but i was giving it an effort to try and renew those friendships
they teased me, a lot, i never felt like i was welcome
you know those times when people will start laughing and you can't help but feel like they're laughing at you,
yeah that was me, everyday.
i spent many a days crying myself to sleep 
and many weekends by myself.
i knew something needed to change.

it was at this time that i turned to the scriptures for some guidance
it is a scripture we have all heard before.
i know it is one i had heard a zillion times before.
somehow it made everything so clear
everything made sense
they didn't know they were hurting me so bad
yet i knew i needed to forgive them.
i didn't walk up to them and say "i forgive you"
but i said it in my mind, and in my heart.
when they did something to hurt me, i tried to not let it effect me.
i reminded myself of this scripture daily and tried to forgive them, no matter what.
things didn't change instantly,
in fact it took until almost the day of graduation for me to feel basically normal around them again.
but it worked,
i felt better.

i have found myself dealing with a situation very similar to this past experience lately.
and again, i knew i needed to forgive
but i couldn't see how that would be helpful
i was being stubborn and strong willed and didn't want to forgive
i wanted to go on feeling hurt
and upset
hoping that the other person would feel that way.
i haven't quite reached the point where i can say i have completed forgiven,
but it's getting there.
it's a long process, especially if the wound is really deep.
in time it gets easier,
you can see them for the person they are instead of the pain they caused you.
with prayer it gets easier,
a little extra help from our Heavenly Father never hurts anyone!

part of forgiveness is putting aside the things they did wrong,
if you'll remember these past two posts [1 & 2]
since i wrote post numero 2
i have ran into this friend twice.
once at church and once at fhe tonight.
when i saw him at church i didn't know what to think.
he was the last person i expected to see at my ward. 
when my friend pointed him out to me i turned toward him and i kind of glared at him,
then quickly turned around.
really, i had had enough of him.
he made his way over to me and informed me he was probably going to be joining my ward
so i did my best to act excited,
when in reality i didn't really care.
i later was informed that he had caught onto my act and thought i was mad at him
(darn me and my inabilities to lie)
i went to fhe with a friend tonight and her ward was combined with his ward.
i told myself as i walked in, that if i saw him, and if i talked to him,
that i would put all of these feelings behind me and just forgive him.
forgive him for the way he's been treating me.
but at the same time, i think i was forgiving myself.
forgiving myself for allowing him to bother me so much,
and for getting to a point where i didn't care anymore.
the change in our interactions was a complete 360°
i felt like i had my friendship back
and i walked away happy 


i'm not saying forgiving is easy,
because its not
especially when you're stubborn like me
but it's worth it.
the peace and happiness you feel after you've forgiven someone
even if it is just in your hear and not something you express verbally
makes up for every single day of pain.

try it,
what's the worst that could happen?

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