Saturday, December 14, 2013

a lesson in the making {perhaps}

*disclaimer; this may get a bit depressing, i just need to vent
*disclaimer number two; i'm not promising this will make any sense whatsoever

i think someone is trying to teach me a lesson
and most of the time i just want to scream at the top of my lungs
"i don't want to learn this lesson!!!"
but; here am i...lesson at hand (or so it seems)

do ever get to a point in your life when you're just not sure
you know where you belong?
no. well that's great.
it's a rough feeling to feel like a lost puppy dog
at this point in my life
most of the friends i have are married or engaged
we no longer talk as much and we no longer do things together.

it's no secret that the singles ward has been rough for me
and when i say rough
i'm not meaning i wish i wasn't there
i'm meaning it's been rough to make friends.
the moment i made friends, the wards changed, and then they changed again.
i have a few friends in the ward
but even still i don't feel like i belong.
i try to make new ones
but the next week its as if i was new to the ward

i've been left behind,
told to do my own thing instead of staying with the group,
left out of conversations,
more times than you can count
in the past two weeks.

one of my best friends is ignoring me right now
and thats hard

a few days ago the lovely
posted a blog post about letting go of the negative people in your life
i bawled as i read that short post
because suddenly
i felt like thats what i needed to do
the only problem?  i felt like that would mean letting go of all of my friends
i talked to amanda after reading that
and we talked about how it would be hard, but it would be worth it.
i haven't tried it so much, but it's crossed my mind several times.

i think the lesson that is trying to be placed in my heart
is an important one
i'm sure it has something to do with being independent,
accepting others, being nicer to those i don't know,
i'm sure the ever so needed lesson on judgement is in there somewhere too

it's just hard.  for one who isn't social,
i appreciate a good time with people who i'm comfortable with.
but when everyone you feel comfortable with suddenly seems so far and distant
turning into a recluse sounds like the only logical thing to do.

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