Monday, December 15, 2014

There is a quote by Charlie Brown that reads: "I think I'm afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."  This quote has struck a chord with me, many times in my life.  Often times it does feel like every time I have an extreme high something happens that bring me down.  But at this time in my life it would be more fitting if it read; "I think I'm afraid to open up because whenever I do, someone always walks away."  I've been struggling, mostly inwardly, occasionally outwardly with a select few people, struggling with the fact that my best friend is no longer my best friend.  Not many people, well no one really, knows how much I had to open myself to be friends with him.  It took a lot of courage for me to be as open as I was, and to allow myself to be myself around him.  Right when our friendship peaked, he walked away.  He walked away without saying goodbye, without an explanation, he was just gone.  This has happened numerous times, but none have hurt as much as this one did.  I attended a stake FHE activity tonight and I realized just how closed off I have become.  I am afraid to open up again, I am afraid to let others see the real me because I don't want to go through the hurt again.  I haven't been attending my own ward lately, because I feel that I don't belong, and I don't have any friends.  My bishop saw me tonight and pulled me aside to talk to me.  I told him I wasn't coming because I didn't have any friends, but that I would try to come back to the ward at the beginning of this coming year.  I won't lie, just the thought of it scares me.  I am worried that I'll make friends just to have them walk away, I'm worried that if I allow myself to open up to my current friends that they'll walk away too.  It's a hard realization, and one that isn't very pleasant, but it's the truth.    This is coming a few weeks early, but I think my "word" for 2015 is going to be accepting.  Accepting of myself, and of others.  I'm hopeful that come the new year my heart will have healed enough that I can accept the real me, and accept that not everyone is just going to up and walk out of my life.  Here's to a better year!

1 comment:

  1. Dearest Jana Lynn. I can't promise that life won't get busy and I'll be a horrible friend and forget to keep in touch. I am not the best at that. But I can promise you that I will be your friend always-no matter what. You are so great and I'm glad we became friends and have continued as friends. I'm glad you came to the FHE activity. I hope you had fun, if even for a little bit. I'm glad your 2015 word will be accepting. Opening up to people is scary. Especially when they may walk out of your life. If that's what's holding you back, don't let it. I love the song "For Good" from Wicked because I feel it sums up a lot of what I sometimes feel. I think it's very applicable right now. You should check it out. My favorite lines are, "It well may be that we will never meet again, in this lifetime. So let me say before we part, so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend....because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
    Love you Jana!